I have realized that my postings have strayed away from an original intention. It was my intention to not only share aspects of my external journies, but to also share with you readers (whoever you may be :) more of my internal journey as well. For, this adventure I have put myself on is as much about my inner process, my inner growth, as it is about how I spend my time engaging in the external world. Maybe I have strayed away from my original intention because it is uncomfortable to feel vulnerable in sharing some of these things with people I know both really really well, and with people I don't know very well.
And maybe, more likely, it is because of this: I know myself well enough to know that when others hold me accountable to follow through on things, I will follow through. When it is just me holding myself accountable to follow through on doing certain things with my time, I have the hardest time following through!! So, part of my realization is that by not sharing some of my thoughts and feelings about what I need to be doing to grow and learn and change, I am in a way preventing myself from being accountable! Well, here we go...I am going to change that pattern! I will share some thoughts with you, and maybe, just maybe this time I will find that motivation to follow through with myself.
This is what I wrote in my journal on the first day of spring:
Happy Spring! The seeds we planted in the garden on the new moon are starting to sprout, the leaves are budding on the trees, wild flowers are growing all around, sprinkling this monotone landscape with little rainbows. I was woken up in the middle of the night last night by a ferociously loud thunderstorm. It sounded like it was right overhead. I wanted to be back to sleep. But, it was nice to listen to the storm and to be able to follow it's movement further away through the changes in the sounds.
A week and a half has already passed since arriving back in Texas. The trip to Mexico is feeling more and more real [we are leaving April 4th!!]. I am trying to surrender to what the universe provides, and to let go of expectations and attachment to having a certain kind of experience. To be open to what is right in the moment, and to all of the possibilities.
This may be contradictory to what I just wrote, but, I have been realizing that while I have been filling my time here in Texas with all good things, I am still carrying this element/habit from the past of "waiting", waiting for the external life to bring me what I want and need. While there is a certain element to life of having to be slightly dependent on what the universe provides, I believe we also need to put effort into creating opportunities for ourselves to be able to manifest what we want. Co-creating. I know that by leaving Portland, I took a big big step in actively creating new opportunities for myself. The action can't stop there, but so far it has stalled again.
My self-will, motivation from within is needing to still find inspiration to create what I am seeking through this new phase of my life. I think for the most part I have been waiting for my trip to Mexico to do that, and thus using the waiting as another excuse to be lazy and to not take control of my own life. I don't want to wait any longer, not even for the trip to Mexico. It is time to change NOW from within. To be my own source of inspiration. To not just have ideas of how to connect action to my passions, but to acutally start to live those passions. Why do I wait? No one else will do this for me. It is up to me to share with life what I have to give.
Today is the first day of spring. It seems appropriate to be having these thoughts today. I am like the seeds that layed dormant for the long winter. We were both waiting for the right time, apparently, for enough warmth and light and nourishment in order for our inner potential to be ready to burst forth. I am glad that I allowed myself that time: to just be, to let my energy be inward, nourishing my self. It is through the quiet phaes of my life that the clarity rises up to the surface. Luckily I was, and still am, provided with this space and time to be able to enable this. And now, spring has arrived, and with it is the drive and inspiration within me to open, to share the gifts, the passions, and the potential that have been gathering together in the seed of my being over the winter. This is very possibly the spring of my life! The time to reawaken my spirit, to no longer lie dormant waiting for opportunity. It is my time to open my buds, reach for the sun, spread my seeds by nourishing and inspiring others. I will trust that the way before me will become clearer and clearer as I begin to take the baby steps into a new way of living my own life. I will trust life. I will trust my self. I will trust the sun and the land and the rain and the rest of life surrounding me -- they are all gently urging me to move outward, springing me to life again!